I'm here in San Francisco! The squealing and reuniting has already commenced. I've already run into tons of people just in the lobby (and on my flight!) But on the flights up here, I had to write a little post about what you shouldn't do when flying. At least not when you're on the same plane as me....
If you need to change your seat, don't wait until the attendants are in the middle of boarding zone 5 and then insist that you, your husband, your mother, your brother, and your two toddlers must have seats right next to each other.
I understand wanting help with two toddlers on a flight. Man, do I! But if you don't have time to: (a) change your seat online when you check in 34 hours before your flight; (b) take care of it at the ticketing counter when you check your bags; or (c) before the flight actually begins to board, then get on the flight and trade seats with some people. Don't stop the entire line of boarding people and possibly delay your flight to make the only attendant deal with your last minute demands.
If you want to induce someone to trade seats with you, a pair of headphones or a nice cocktail can buy you a lot of goodwill. If that doesn't work, plop one of your toddlers into the seat next to the uncooperative passenger. He'll move pretty damn fast.
Don't knowingly sit in someone else's seat and then act like you were actually ticketed for that seat. Dude, the first thing the flight attendant will do is check your boarding pass!
I boarded my (full) flight from Norfolk to Atlanta only to find some guy in my window seat. I asked the couple sitting there if they were sure one of them had 26E (my seat). They both nodded yes. I looked at my boarding pass and started to hail the flight attendant thinking I'm screwed because Delta has somehow double booked my seat. Only THEN does the guy in my seat say, “Well, actually I'm in 34E.” He didn't even look sheepish. So I said, “Fine. I'll go sit in your seat.” Does he say thank you? No, of course not. Never mind that I had booked the row behind the exit seat so that no one could recline into my lap.
If you're having serious intestinal issues, please don't fly. Or at least use the bathroom in first class. You'll disgust fewer people.
Mr. “I stole your seat” had a window right next to the bathroom. One individual spent the vast majority of the flight in there and the smells wafting out into the aisle were extremely unpleasant. I regularly change a toddler's diaper and I was about ready to hurl. The only reason I didn't suggest to my fellow passengers that we stage a coup and toss him out the door was the camouflage he was providing for my own, um... aromatic emissions.
Don't eat large amounts of broccoli the night before an 8 hour flight.
The only thing that will save you? See Number 3.
Try to remember that you don't own the arm rest, even if you're bigger or wider than the passengers next to you.
On both of my flights, the men sitting next to me immediately propped their elbows on both arm rests. They didn't just “touch”them a bit, like I do. I tend to treat the arm rest as a neutral ground, there to keep two cars from running into each other. (Most people call them medians, yes, I know.) Nooooo, my seat mates had to sprawl across the center arm rest and well into my seat territory. As I don't enjoy having random strangers poke their elbows in my tummy, I was forced to practically make out with the window. And frankly, the window looked like a dirty ho'. Ick.
When I said “excuse me” after one particularly painful jab, my seat mate responded with “Sorry, you're smaller than me so you don't understand how uncomfortable these seats can be. They just weren't designed for big guys.”
Dude, I've flown half way across the country with a squirmy toddler in my lap and punching my kidneys. Don't talk to me about uncomfortable. Plus, at 5'2”, pretty much every form of transportation in the U.S. is designed for people much taller than me. There are air bags that kill, seat belts that cross right over my neck, and safety rings on subway systems that I can't even reach. I don't complain about it or grab my fellow Metro riders across the middle. You know, because the Metro isn't designed for me. (Well, at least not while I'm sober!)
Don't grab things off the flight attendants' hospitality cart.
Wait your turn! Unless you're hypoglycemic and about to pass out, you can wait 3 minutes for that orange juice. This is one of the easiest ways to annoy your flight attendants. (I know. I'm writing this on a plane and I just asked one!) If the flight attendants don't smack your hand, your fellow passengers are likely to bludgeon you to death with their plastic headphones, albeit very slowly.
When it's time to deplane, don't jump up and immediately push your way to the front of the plane.
Of course, in Atlanta, there was a woman who grabbed her stuff (before the fasten seat belt light went off) and then mowed everyone over to stand at the front of the plane and impatiently wait for the door to open. Our flight was 5 minutes early.
Babe, If the flight is late, you're not the only one on the plane in danger of missing a connection. The repercussions could be even more serious than in Number 6 because all the passengers will now be able to ironically bludgeon you with the too large luggage they stuffed into the overhead bin. For being rude.
More tomorrow from BlogHer.... Hopefully!
