I'm 5 weeks pregnant. I'm just barely pregnant. I've known for 4 days.
In those 4 days I've gone through a whole host of emotions. First was fear. When I saw those two lines I was scared to death. A history of miscarriage will do that to you.
Next came elation. I was also thrilled. We've been actively trying for more than a year. We'd just started down the long, expensive road involving a reproductive endocrinologist, many vials of blood and an extremely awkward encounter between my husband and a plastic cup.
Then came the reservations. I tried to check my feelings and remind myself that it's best not to get attached. But the thing is, it's really, really hard not to start thinking of myself as expecting a baby when my life immediately had to undergo a number of significant changes for that baby. First and foremost, my life now revolves around blood sugar levels, insulin and carb counting. Because my doctor took me off of oral medication and is now slowly increasing my insulin to get my blood sugar levels back under control, I'm seeing some scary numbers I haven't seen in a long time.
And this evening I started spotting.
So now fear is back. I'm scared to death that this is the beginning of the end. Or that my high blood sugars are going to cause a miscarriage. Or that I didn't have my sugars under tight enough control before I got pregnant. Or that my eggs are just old and a miscarriage is inevitable. Or that there's no particular reason for it, but I'm going to miscarry anyway.
I'm equally afraid that this spotting is absolutely nothing and all is well.
You see, I spotted throughout the first trimester during my pregnancy with Hollis. But my progesterone was also at a scary low level and my doctor was actually shocked that I didn't miscarry. He never said this to me, but I can read faces and mannerisms pretty well. Especially when they seem to be preparing me for disappointment.
So much of my pregnancy with Hollis was scary as hell. And he made it. He's now 6 years old and slumbering peacefully in his bunk bed with a stuffed U of Miami ibis, 2 blankies, a red bean bag chair and a blue feather boa. He's one of a kind. Right now, I'm dragging up all those scary pregnancy memories that I'd tried to forget in an attempt to reassure myself.
Until about 2 hours ago, I'd let myself be pretty relaxed about this whole pregnancy thing. But with that first spot of blood, I'm right back where I was 6 1/2 years ago, googling "spotting 5 weeks" and now "miscarriage high blood sugar" and trying not to cry.
***Update: I did miscarry. The spotting was the beginning of the end. We're right back where we started and our next appointment with the RE rescheduled.***