Lawyer Mama

Pundit Mom, Friendship, Politics, and Motherhood

When I first started blogging, I was incredibly lucky.  One of the first commenters I had (that wasn't related to me) was Joanne Bamberger.  I had been stalking her blog for awhile because I so admired her mix of smarts, motherhood and politics on her blog, Pundit Mom. When she We had so much in common, but Joanne also challenged some of my views about politics and feminism. She's made me examine my own biases through a critical lens and she does with a deft hand. (Plus, Joanna is also a recovering lawyer.  Although I didn't know it at the time, we would also eventually have the "recovering" part in common as well.)

Joanne has done so much for me professionally.  When I wouldn't call myself a "real" writer, she smacked me upside the head.  (Virtually, of course.)  She introduced me to others in the bloggy world of moms and politics.  She was my entree into the DC Metro Moms blog and we both joined MOMocrats at the same time.  She's been a loyal cheerleader and an amazing friend over the last 5 years.

In the same time, Joanne has done some wonderful things.  When we met, she was already an accomplished writer and blogger, but now her name is always mentioned as one of the top female political bloggers. She's debated conservatives on CNN, Fox and others.  She's had policy discussions with our country's legislative leaders. She works tirelessly to do all of this with civility and respect for others, something that is often lost in politics.

Now, my dear friend has written a book. Now, this post isn't a review.  I haven't read the book yet. Although, yes, I pre-ordered it on Amazon like, the moment it was available.  But I already know that it's a must read.  You see, the book, Mothers of Intention, takes its name from the series of guest posts from Joanne's blog.  On Pundit Mom, she's been running the Mothers of Intention series for several years. (My post for the series appears in February of 2008.) She features women writing about politics, bt she doesn't just feature political writers.  Joanne has managed to talk women (conservative and progressive) who swore they knew nothing about politics to open up and realize, well, HECK YEAH, maybe I DO have some opinions!  And yes, those opinions matter.

The book also brings Jo's always thoughtful analysis to the topic of how women and social media are revolutionizing politics on both sides of the aisle.  It's not just the boys' game anymore and Joanne knows it.  I can't wait to read it.  I hope you'll read it too.

In the interests of full disclosure, I should tell you that I'm a contributor to the book, although it's not the post linked above.  But I'm just one of many, many thoughtful voices in the book.  I'm actually amazed to be included with such wonderful women and I have Joanne to thank for that.

You can preorder Mothers of Intention now!

Forever Friends

I have a hard time making friends.

Acquaintances are easy to make. They come and go. Hell, so do friends sometimes, but those aren't the lasting relationships I'm talking about. A Facebook friend used the term “forever friends” the other day and it so perfectly describes what I mean that I had to lift it. Forever friends are those special people that aren't related to you but that you know will be there for you, even if it's been 2 months, or 2 years since your last call. If you live close by, you can call your Forever Friend anytime, for anything and she'll be at your door in 30 minutes. With vodka. And ice cream.

Forever friends. Those are the hard ones to find.

When I was a teenager, my 11^th grade English teacher told me that at the end of your life you will be able to count the true friends you've had on one hand. If you're extremely lucky, you'll move on to the second hand. I scoffed and looked around at my circle of high school friends and actually felt sorry for the guy. How sad was that? Only 5 real friends in all his ancient years? (In actuality, I think he was in his late 30's at the time, an irony that is not lost on me now.)

Although I've spent my entire life moving – the curse of the Air Force brat – and making friends, I am an introvert. People laugh at me when I say this, but let me be clear; I'm not shy. I'm not shy at all. I am reserved, but I have no problems talking to strangers, networking or making … acquaintances. Of those many acquaintances, some with shared backgrounds or interests or children or ideas do become friends. Of course. But those friendships often fade away through time or distance or because what once brought us together, whether it be children of the same age, a job or a photography class, isn't as important or immediate. I call them situational or superficial friends. Yes, they are still my friends. They riddle my Facebook page and we exchange cards and, on rare occasion, visits.

Forever friends. Those friends are very rare.

My forever friends, women and men alike, they get me. I get them. And it doesn't matter if we have completely different political ideologies or careers. It doesn't matter who has children or if they're even close to the same age. Geography is irrelevant. These are the friends I will keep my entire life. I will watch their children grow up. I will cheer on their careers and love lives. I will wipe their tears, even if I need to have the ice cream and Grey Goose delivered via Fed Ex on dry ice. I will go to their weddings. I will mourn them when they die or they will mourn me. Because, you see, we will be friends forever.

I can count these people on one hand. On less than one hand.

A few times in my life I've met someone that I thought would become a forever friend only to discover that I was … wrong.

We've all had friends like this. You talk and talk for hours and hours. You have so much in common. You really seem to click. But after the initial charming rush of doing many things together, you slowly begin to realize that you are the one who is usually making the calls, doing the inviting, suggesting the outings or waiting for the phone to ring. It's not deliberate or vengeful or malicious. You just aren't … the first friend who comes to mind.

It hurts. We've all been there.

For the introvert, however, I think it hurts more. You see, we introverts, we live very much inside ourselves. We keep the best parts of ourselves inside; the funny; the snark; the big ideas. Not many people ever get in there. Not really. So when we let someone in, when I let someone in, it's kind of a big deal. A really big deal. And I don't think that most people realize this about me; that I'm not really a thick skinned extrovert with tons of friends. I'm actually a quivering mass of goo who will sometimes even cry if someone forgets to call.

I'd much rather keep myself closed off until I know someone is a forever friend. But that's not possible. Because every forever friendship develops precisely because we get to see that quivering mass of goo inside another. And we manage to keep from running away screaming. Forever friends always start out as superficial or situational friends, but it would be so much easier for ME if they could just come stamped with a nice big F on the forehead. So I'd know.

Superficial friendships drain me. They're exhausting for an introvert. They're exhausting for me. I never know if that offer to have dinner, or get the kids together, or have an outing is a real one or if a superficial friend will just forget about it. I struggle with whether to tell Hollis that he's going to do X with his friend Y because I have no idea if Y's mommy will actually follow through. And that's where this whole friendship thing gets even more troublesome.

Because, you see, the kids are involved now.  And Hollis is just. like. me.

If Y's mom doesn't call or follow through, then I'm the one left picking up the pieces when Hollis's heart is broken. Because I can't tell him that I'm sure Y's mom just forgot or lost track of time or was really busy. No matter what lies I tell him or how many times I tell him that things just didn't work out, or we couldn't get schedules to mesh or even take the blame all on myself, Hollis will take it personally. No matter what I do, he will have his little heart smooshed because some thoughtless person didn't realize that the offhand comment she made was taken to heart by a little boy who was listening.

When this happens, I sometimes feel like I don't have any real friends here at all, although that certainly isn't true. It makes me want to move. Somewhere where I have ties, and roots and all my friends and family. Somewhere where I know that my children will always have friends and family they can count on.

But that somewhere doesn't really exist. My forever friends and my family are flung all over the country. I'm a military brat. I don't have a home. Well, this is home now.

Usually, it's all fine. Ninety-eight percent of the time, it's fine. But when my heart hurts and it's all caught up in the pain my little guy will feel and in figuring out how to make the blow as soft as possible for Hollis, it's not fine. No matter how small or insignificant this all may really be it's not fine today. And I find myself cursing my high school English teacher because he was right.

I need to call one of my forever friends. Send vodka. Don't forget the Chunky Monkey.

Friends and Football

This is my blog and I can break the rules if I want to. So I give you a Monday Montage on a Tuesday.

We had dear friends visit this weekend, Tiff, her husband J, and their son Little J. Tiff and I went to law school together but we're very different. She's got too much energy. I'm a lazy sloth. She's Martha Stewart. I'm, well...not. (And I don't mean that in a white collar criminal, lie to the feds kind of way.) She's a Republican. I'm well, you know. A Liberal. She's very religious. I'm a heathen.

Somehow, despite all our differences, we compliment each other. In all the ways that matter, we're the same. I don't just mean that Tiff enables my shopping habit, shares my love of beautiful shoes, and enjoys making snarky comments. Tiff is one of those rare friends that we only encounter a handful of times in our lives and, if we're lucky, keep forever. I don't know that I could have made it through law school, trying to conceive, and early mommyhood without her.

Now if only I could get her to start a blog....

Tiff maneuvers around Hollis.

She's making a break for it!

J and Hollis take Tiff down!

"Here you go, Mommy!"

Little J hams it up for the camera. Don't you love those curls!

Little J, Holden and Hollis demand a ride.

Quarterback in training?

Taking a walk.

Tiff and J. At their wedding, the pastor pronounced them man and wife, introduced them to the congregation, and then J picked Tiff up and carried her down the aisle. That's just the kind of guy he is.

A Birthday Montage

"Can we have cupcakes for breakfast, Mommy? Pleeeeease?"

Mommy is a suck.errrrrrr!


Buddies
(Hollis and his adorable buddy, C, son of Not Exactly A Princess.)


Heaven help us when they're old enough for real road trips!