Lawyer Mama

Life, Love & Welcome Midwestern Readers!

Welcome my new Midwestern readers, particularly one from Marshalltown, Iowa.  Feel free to look around.  Just remember that I don't tolerate nastiness in my comments.

Yes, there's something going on.  No, I don't want to write about it on my blog yet.  Other people are involved.  People I care about and love.

Love is a funny thing, isn't it?  I remember being freaked out about having a second child so soon after Hollis.  People kept reassuring me by saying that my capacity for love wasn't a pie.  There isn't a finite amount in my heart to be doled out among the people I care about.  Rather, the heart is a flexible muscle that expands as needed.

Maybe for some people the heart contracts as well, but that's never been the case for me.  Once I love, I love fiercely and deeply.  It's not something that ever goes away.  My husband, god bless him for the saint he is, understands this about me.  in fact it's something that he tells me he loves about me.  Others have too.  Unfortunately, my capacity to love can also hurt.

For those I've hurt over the years and more recently, I'm sorry.  It was never intended.  I would never intentionally try to hurt someone.  I may be thoughtless, react or lash out in anger, but I never try to hurt.

Whatever happens in the months to come, the two people I always keep in my mind are Hollis and Holden.  I'm thankful that they're too young to know what, or even that, something is happening.  I will always have their well being first and foremost in my mind.  No one has the right to second guess that, to feel sorry for them or to judge my parenting, least of all those who don't have children.

It's hard for me not to write more, but I'm respecting the privacy and feelings of others for now.  Until we all know what comes next, I'll keep living my life, loving my children and stopping to just breathe whenever my thoughts are overwhelming. 

The heart is a muscle.  And it keeps beating, despite the pain.

Wondering Where the Heck I've Been?

You can check out my posts at MOMocrats to catch up on everything from the Democratic National Convention and on.  I have a nice link to all of my posts for you.

Steph on MOMocrats.

I've been taking photos.  And people are actually paying me for it! 

I've also been acting as the Deputy Director for Outreach for Blue Star Families for Obama, a grassroots organization of military family members supporting Barack Obama for president.  I've been a busy little bee.  In fact, politics has pretty much owned my butt 20 hours a day since August.

And oh, yeah, I quit my job.

You know all that depression stuff and those hints about change to come?  Yep.  I did it.  I jumped off the cliff.

And you know what?  I've never felt better.

Now that I'm finally doing something I'm passionate about; now that I'm making a difference, the clouds are gone.  I'm me again and I know this isn't a temporary thing.

Whatever I do and wherever I go in the future, I must feel that I'm making a difference in the world.

I'll be back after the election.  In the meantime, here's part of what we've been up to over at BSF4O:

The Golden Hour

In photography, the best shots usually come with the best light: shortly after sunrise and the hour before sunset.  At this time of day, everything looks magical.  Everything looks beautiful. The light diffuses the world with warmth and a special ethereal glow.  Everything is simple and clear for one. magical. hour. every day.  The golden hour.

Because I am not a morning person, my golden hour is the hour before sunset. 

I spend my day at the office focusing on facts, analysis, crafting legal arguments.  I deal with petty office politics, avoid those I don't care for, and court favor with those I do.  I attend committee meetings and client meetings and depositions and hearings.  I write briefs, pleadings and professional articles.  I take client calls and conference calls.  I scour contracts for loopholes and alternative language.

My day is added up in 6 minute increments and ruthlessly accounted for.  I can tell you how much time I spend in the bathroom or getting tea every day.

There are times when I love my job.  When I win an argument, come up with an original legal theory, or outmaneuver another lawyer, I feel a special pride in using my analytical brain to the best of my ability.  The lure of competition, of winning, is heady.

After the glow of victory fades and I realize that I am still in the same place, doing the same thing, for the same people, and that I've changed nothing in the world, I often realize that I need something more.

My brain, and the special way it works, is indeed a gift.  But I have other gifts I've ignored or suppressed for so long because they've never been encouraged or valued by the world or those around me.  Because these gifts are impractical and unlikely to make me money or guarantee my future in the world.

So, when I come home from work and my boys greet me like puppies, jumping and climbing and barking for my attention, I park my worries and ambitions and analytical brain at the door.  We go outside and run and play.  We climb and chase and blow bubbles and giggle. 

I enjoy these simple moments and just feel.  I feel the scratch of grass and sand on my feet; the sting of mosquitoes; sticky hands in mine; the still, heavy air, infused with the smell of charred wood; wet kisses on my cheek; the weight of the lens in my hand, the camera against my brow; the damp, sweet scent of boy; and the beautiful golden light.

For one perfect hour every day the future of my current path does not exist.  There is only now.  With my children, and my family, and my life.  Filled with every blessing a girl a woman could want. Surrounded by golden light, simple, clear and true. 

I go to bed every night knowing that I will determine my future.  I will make my own path.  I will jump off the cliff.

Because in the golden hour, everything seems possible, everything seems clear, everything is reflected in the shimmering light.  Every future looks beautiful.

Smokey World

I've never been an indecisive sort of girl.  I set goals and determine my direction quickly.  Once I've made up my mind, I plot my path methodically and pursue it relentlessly. 

When I realized I would not, could not, become a psychologist, it didn't take me long to assess my strengths and decide on a new career to pursue.  Whether it be a career or making a family, I've always been able to determine my next course quickly and to see the path ahead with clarity.

I've mentioned before that changes are afoot at the Circle K.  The new photography business is part of it, but it's not the whole story.  I've decided on the change that needs to happen.  The problem is, I can't see 5 feet in front of me because of all the smoke.

For weeks now, smoke from some large forest fires in North Carolina and in Virginia in the Great Dismal Swamp have been smothering Southeast Virginia.   Now, being a swamp you wouldn't think there would be much of a problem with fires raging out of control.  Apparently swamp fires are nasty though, they burn underground in the peat, making them nearly impossible to control.  The only benefits of the constant charred smell are the beautiful sunsets caused by the smoke swirling through the sky and masking the sun.

When I go to bed at night, the smell of smoke lingers in the sheets, penetrating my dreams. When I am awake, the smoke presses around me, burning my lungs and stinging my eyes.  I'm in limbo.  I know that I can't stay as I am, but it's so hard to walk blindly ahead with the acrid mist cloaking my vision and clouding my mind.  Sometimes it's hard to even draw a deep breath without choking.

So, for now, I try to ignore the smoke and pretend that what lies beyond the cloudy gray is nothing special.  I enjoy my boys and my husband.  We go to the beach, make up games, play with the hose, and read many, many books.  As we play, and snuggle, and enjoy life, the sun burns through the ever present smoke, a captivating orange orb in swirls of pink and purple and orange.  I can't help but look and admire the display despite my intention to ignore.

Relief seems to be on the way with respect to the Great Dismal Swamp fire.  The fire is 90% under control.  The North Carolina fire, however, is expected to smolder for months.

I'll keep you updated.

In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy my family and the stunning sunsets.

The Road Less Traveled

Holden, my two year old, has picked up an interesting quirk.  (Aside from pretending he's a cat, that is.)  Whenever we're heading to the sitter's house or out running errands, he tries to direct me down a different road.  He knows the way home, but he wants to go "de odder way, Mommy.  Dat way.  Nooooo, DAT way!"

Holden's urge to explore and try new things has always baffled me.  He may be the youngest of my boys, but he's always the first to hurtle head first down the slide or climb to the top of the monkey bars and jump off.   He's the toddler equivalent of those wacky people who sky dive for fun *cough*mycousinAdam*cough* or pick up race car driving on the side.  You know, because they're bored.

I freak out on the mildest of roller coasters, so I just don't get it.  I remember my high school boyfriend once talking me into riding some horribly named roller coaster at Six Flags in Chicago.  It was called the Demon or the Devil or something cursed like that.  I was fine until we started heading up to the first drop.  Then, I started hitting my boyfriend and screaming at him for talking me into it.  It's not the height of the roller coaster that bothers me on that first big drop.  It's the plummet to my possible death that follows.

Hollis, is very much like me.  T, is also much like me, although he can be goaded and dared into at least riding roller coasters.  Still, Holden and his toddler thrill seeking, adventuresome ways, are a puzzle to us and our easy routines.  Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan or risk and daring, but not of the physical sort.  For the most part, in a hurry to go somewhere or do something, I tend to ignore Holden's requests to go exploring.

Today, however, was a lazy Sunday. 

Wildfires from North Carolina have been sending smoke up here for the last two weeks and the air quality is pretty bad, so the boys and I lazed around and then picked up lunch for T and ate with him at his office.  (Because, of course, after finally retiring from the Navy Reserves and those annoying weekend drills, he'd have a serious crunch with his "real" job.)  After the boys ripped T's office apart and started in on the conference room with the dry erase markers, we packed them up to head home.  Neither of the boys was happy about this because they knew it would be N A P T I M E when we got home.

About 1/2 a mile from our house, Holden started directing me to turn down various roads.  For once, I decided to comply and turn down a street we'd never traversed before.  T and I had wondered if there was a residential area hiding back there, so the boys and I went exploring.

Hollis was very concerned that we were no longer heading home and kept telling me that we shouldn't go too far and "we might get lost, Mommy."  Anyone want to guess who my worrier is?  Holden was having a grand old time pointing out the cars and the houses, but he's usually game for anything that keeps him away from nap time.

After 10 minutes of driving around an ugly subdivision of 1950's cookie cutter houses, I'd had enough and we headed home.  About to turn back on the road to our house, Holden demanded I turn the other way again.  Hollis began lecturing his brother in the way that only a know-it-all toddler can,

"No brother.  We're going home now.  It's time for your nap time."  (Imagine this complete with snooty, "I am older than you and must torment you" brotherly inflections.)

Holden, predictably, objected and the boys started arguing in the back seat.  Sitting at the stop sign, I refereed, telling Hollis that Holden likes to explore.  Hollis replied with,

"Well, I like my house."

Doesn't that sum it up nicely?

Risking the wrath of Hollis, I turned back down a new road that dead ended after about 400 yards.  As I was turning around, both boys got super excited at a bird that had landed on a nearby fence.  A cardinal.

It wasn't anything special to me, but to the boys the spotting of a bright red bird was a thing of wonder and magic.  We sat and watched the bird with the windows down until it flew away.  It was probably driven away by Holden's high pitched screaming of, "Here, birdy!  Here birdy!" but H&H enjoyed it anyway.

As we headed home with no objection from the boys, I contemplated how important Holden is to our family.  He's the irresistible force that makes us orbit and, strangely, keeps us grounded.  He reminds me daily to take time to enjoy the small moments of life.  He reminds us all to take risks, even if they aren't of the physical sort.

As I settled the boys in for their nap, I learned that Hollis had also been thinking about our encounter with the red cardinal.  As I gave him a kiss he asked me, "Mommy, that red bird was pretty, wasn't it?"  I agreed.  As Hollis turned over and closed his eyes, I hoped that he would dream of climbing up to the top of the monkey bars with his brother. 

And jumping off to fly.

Lighthearted Photography

...is the winner of the name my photography business contest!   Moondance said, "Lighthearted Photography" would be a good name: It incorporates the idea of light, and that you really put your heart into it.

Perfect.

There were some other amazing entries as well.  I loved the play on my name with Stephanotis.  I also loved A Touch of Light.  In the end, I ended up going with Lighthearted Photography because that's exactly what I want to convey and it will have special meaning to me.  I'll always know that, in my business name, the "heart" = my bliss.

M, thank you and congratulations!  Let me know if you'd like a MOMocrats shirt or a print from my Flickr photostream and email me your contact info.

I think I'm going to use the image of Hollis above, I call it "Free to Fly", to promote my business for now.  I'll also come up with something that shows faces, detail shots, and a combination of color and black and white in a collage when I have some time.

I'm going to have a logo custom created and I have some ideas about that.  I've even got a temporary web site set up while I work on designing a more permanent solution, although I have no idea what that will be yet!

I'm in business, baby!

Lighthearted Photography