I've been keeping a rather large, life changing secret from everyone.
We're trying to have a baby.
This announcement is probably a surprise to many. While I've never made wanting a third child a secret, conceiving and carrying a child is not easy for me. It will be even harder now, 7 years after we first started our "baby chase." I'm 37 years old. I'm diabetic. I'm a "habitual aborter." (And who the hell came up with that incredibly insensitive medical term?)
This will not be easy.
So why am I, in effect, telling the world what T and I haven't even told our families?
I've written about what we went through to have Hollis on this blog before. Our struggle was unexpected, emotionally draining, scary as hell and changed both T and I forever. I have never completely gotten over my multiple miscarriages and I know beyond a doubt that I never will. Of course, we were lucky. Our painful journey ended with Hollis.
Because of my miscarriages, I will never be able to enjoy a pregnancy. Most people trying to conceive are excited and hopeful when they see those two lines on the pregnancy test. I wait for the other shoe to drop. Because of all the problems that developed while I was pregnant with Hollis, I can't relax until pregnancy is over. I shudder to think what might have happened if my last biophysical profile had been even one day later than it was.
Hollis was unexpectedly followed by Holden after only 15 months. Yes, we know how it happened. We just didn't think that it could happen after our earlier problems. My endocrinologist laughingly informed me that my pregnancy with Hollis primed the pump. And the Metformin I started taking for my diabetes probably helped. Voila. Instant baby. After having unprotected sex once. (TMI, I know. But let this be a warning to every 16 year old girl. It can happen!)
When Holden was born, I knew I probably wanted another. At least one more. T thought I was insane, but I never really had the chance to enjoy Holden's infancy. We were too busy also chasing a (very fast) toddler all over hell and gone. But I knew I wanted to once again watch my baby air suck while sleeping. I wanted to watch my child roll, milk drunk, off of my breast and smile sweetly at me again.
I could not imagine never seeing any of those wonderful first moments again. I still can't.
T and I have had a lot of problems over the last year. Although I blogged about it while it was happening, I've taken most of it down from my blog. I don't regret sharing the problems we were having. Writing is not just a form of catharsis for me. Writing is one of the most honest things that I have. I simply couldn't pretend to have a perfect life and family when we were really falling apart. Although a few people told me privately that I needed to keep my mouth shut because I was making family members "uncomfortable," many, many more wrote to thank me for my candor.
Marriage is hard. It's messy. Married people sometimes hurt each other. Badly. Although I have refrained from sharing everything, T and I hurt each other badly. We have been working hard to change our communication, our priorities and our marriage. Pretending the bad stuff doesn't happen is dishonest. That sort of dishonesty does no one a service, except perhaps those squeamish people who felt "uncomfortable" reading about raw emotion, hurt and betrayal on my blog.
One thing that got me through this year was the support I had, not just from my friends and family, but from this online community. Although I have greatly stepped back from the blogosphere in the last 18 months, it helps to know that you're all still there. And that all I need to do is ask for help. When I did, you answered.
This very long explanation is my way of explaining why I'm now sharing that T and I are trying to conceive, despite the possibility that this may not have a happy ending. We've been trying for awhile now, with limited success. I can't even really talk about the last 6 months without dragging up a whole bucket load of unfulfilled hopes and expectations. I'm sure I'll get to that eventually. But for now, just know that I have to share what I'm going through now to be an honest writer.
I've never sought to become an "infertility blogger." There are many out there, a whole community of women full of knowledge and painful stories of their own. I've lurked on many of their blogs. But I've never felt that I had the right to speak up. I mean, I started blogging in 2006 after Holden was born. I already had my "heir and a spare." What right did I have to comment on their struggles?
But this, I know: blogging and the blogging community have gotten me through some of the hardest times in my life. I know that if our baby chase is unsuccessful or becomes even messier and painful than it already is, I need my blog and I need my bloggy friends. I need you to be there, listening. Ready to offer support when I ask for help.
